It started in a park
by Koneko no Incubus
Summary: Thor has a "brilliant" idea, and Tony finds out. Chaos, panic, and much deforestation ensues.
1. Chapter 1 - A walk in the Park

Author's notes: I don't own stuff. Marvel might.

This is my first published work, so bear with me - I casually write while stuck in traffic, so updates should happen every two or three weeks.  
Primarily an avengers story I write for fun, but may or may not have some cameos here and there. See if you can spot them (If you can't maybe I'm just trolling you).

This is a casual work, so please judge it as such. However, feedback will probably be read and appreciated.

Thor grinned in satisfaction as the tree slowly tipped and fell. The onlooking crowd, however, had a different reaction. It wasn't that the asgardian had now leveled every tree in sight. It wasn't the fact that he'd been using them to make a long house. It wasn't even the fact that the crowd consisted of police officers who had been pleading for him to stop for the better part of an hour.

It was the fact that this was all happening in Grand Central Park.

"But why not? " he'd asked. "This New York is my home now, and there is no other place left to build! "

The NYPD, present in its entirety, heaved a collective sigh. The racket of pointed guns shifting as dozens of officers facepalmed filled the park. As they had all learned not to get in Thors way after the zoo incident, nobody had the courage to challenge his logic. Finally, the chief spoke up.

"Can't you rent a place? Or Shack up with Stark? "  
At this, Thor pushed his arms to his hips in his most proud "hero pose", puffing out his chest, prompting most of the female officers, and exactly 6 of the male ones, to swoon as he exclaimed that "a true man makes his own home. "

As far as the force was concerned, that was the end of it. Thor was simply too bullheaded to be taught common earth logic, and too powerful to be challenged. At least that was until a golden - red suit of steel landed on front of the chief of police. Much to their shock, however, he completely ignored the golden-haired deity happily dismantling the park into a house, and rather turned to face the chief of police.

"Guys, what the hell is going on here? The streets are chaos. Like, chituari found their way into my tequila chaos. Did - did you realise that with all of you guys here there's NOBODY keeping order in one of the most aggressive cities in the world? On game day? I've had to deploy my peacekeepers! "

The chief was dumbfounded. When he'd called for everyone to the park it didn't occur to him that posts were abandoned. "Th-Thor's wrecking the park to build a mead-hall..." he managed weakly.

He'd lost Tony with those last two words. He raised an iron - clad finger at the chief as if to say "I'll deal with you later" as he turned to walk toward the impromptu construction site.

"Thor! What have we got here? Our new drinking spot? "

"Aye, as soon as the bar is stocked. But this meager forest runs low on lumber!" he said as Tony fell in sync with him, taking the opposite end of the tree and placing it on the lodge as if this was perfectly normal.

Tony grew silent for a moment. "Jarvis says the best trees for something like this are a few hundred clicks north of here. I can grab a few dozen if you want?"

Thor grinned. "Aye! And summon the others, if this is to be a group effort! And ale! "

"and Ale!" Tony called back enthusiastically as he took off.

Tony grinned. "JARVIS?"  
"Yes, sir. "  
"Get the cap on the line. Oh, and get veronica in position over, what was that place called? "

"Yellowstone Park, sir. I'll patch the call through presently, sir. "

Steve Rogers was on his nineteenth lap around the lake when a fully geared up Falcon flew past him, calling "on your left! " as his mechanical wings carried him past.

He stopped in his tracks. "You've GOT to be kidding me, " he sighed as he assumed a track - running start position. He launched himself forward, leaving a small crater in the ground behind him, dashing ahead at blinding speed. "on your six, " he called as he ducked directly beneath his flying fellow avenger.

The race had begun. As peace-loving as the captain was, he was as competitive as any of the avengers, which, unfortunately for most of the common people of the American continents, was a lot. Like the amount of trouble Thor caused at the zoo, lot. The Falcon had heard Rogers pass under him and acknowledged that this was a contest. He flew level with the captain and said "Three laps past starting at that tree!"  
The victory conditions were set, and so we're the rules - the standing rules of all Avenger contests: "No facial shots, anything else goes. " Sam Wilson swooped by the captain. Kicking his shoulders to launch himself ahead while slowing the captain down.

Rogers lost his balance, tumbling though a nearby fence, and into the house behind it. Two shocked teenage girls gaped as the American hero stood up in the remains of their family kitchen. He grabbed an apple, winked, saying "ladies, "nodding as he dashed out after his opponent. He'd eaten the apple by the time he'd caught up, and detoured a good fifty meters (in two seconds) to deposit the core into a nearby trash can. He tried his best not to destroy anything else at that speed, running up a bent tree and jumping at the Falcon. Sam had seen this, shooting the base of the tree, causing it to fall as the Cap jumped. Tumbling as the he fell short, Rogers, in his typical fashion opted for a cleaner approach. He ducked his head down, and sprinted for all he was worth. Which, again, was a Hell of a lot. Falcon saw a man-shaped blur pass him, getting a huge lead on him as he heard a garbled "onyurleft" over the wind that he'd kicked up.

One lap left, Sam thought as he hit the throttle on his wings. He'd hoped to save fuel, but realised that to keep up with the cap, he'd have to go all - out.  
"KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAKOOOOOOM!" Rogers covered his ears as the sonic Boom caught up with him, and the Falcon soared past him, windows blowing out the shops in his wake.

Sam knew that they were supposed to at least try to minimise collateral damage during these contests, but since the rule was unspoken, he'd never quite been sure how extreme the limits of "anything goes" were. Steve decided it was time to educate his ally, grabbing a brick clean out of the wall of one oh the shops, crushing it into a round shape, and putting all of his momentum into an incredible throw.

Sam couldn't figure out why his eyes had started watering, or why he'd lost control of his wings. Or the rest of his body, for that matter. As he skipped along the water to a relatively calm crash on the banks of the lake, it hit him.

Blinding pain. Incredible pain that was so unbelievably massive it had taken his brain a good ten seconds to realise just how much pain there was. The pain that only a brick hitting the balls at mach-2 could cause. Captain America calmly walked past the crash site a few minutes later, leaving over the moaning, wounded foetal-positioned avenger, quietly saying "on your left " as he walked to the finish line, whistling innocently.

Half an hour later, Wilson gingerly walked to the finish line. "Well played, " was all he could manage to say in his feeble attempt to salvage his masculinity. He sounded like he'd been huffing helium. As he put his hand on the tree, the Star - spangled banner started playing of the phone in the captains pocket.  
"Really?" the smurf-voiced avenger teased.  
Rogers shook his head as he answered.

"Captain America, freeing your oil since 1943. How may I liberate your day? " he said , grinning at the knowledge of who was calling.  
"I'd like the 2 war for the price of one special, with an order of fries" Tony replied, deadpan. The captain could tell he was barely keeping a straight face. "What's the news, Stark? "

"Get to Grand Central, Cap. Thor's building a house!" he put him on speaker. "Building a house? On the edge of the park? "  
"In it! "

A look of amazement crept over his face as he realised exactly what was happening. _Of_ _course_ Thor would do something like that _._ "I'll be there soon, _"_ he grinned, hanging up. "No Way am I missing this. "

As far as Bruce was concerned, it wasn't the worst way he'd woken up. Sure, there were several goats that looked like they'd been bitten by sharks in the green field, and a suspicious amount of blood (goat, he assumed) on his chin, but at least he was on a nice goatskin blanket instead of on the grass. Not no mention the two gorgeous, stark-naked, amply breasted, smooth, caramel skinned women lying on either side of him, their hands interlocked on his chest.

 _That can't be right,_ he thought. _I can't... Not without... Either these girls are incredibly flexible, or..._ Then he realised. Indian girls - he was quite possibly the first person, if not the first nerd, in history to have experienced a tantric threesome. He _had_ to tell stark about this one. The question was, had they taken him out of the hulk state like this or was he already calmed down and simply forgotten the fun as he forgot most things after an incident.

As the girls stirred, he noticed a gold - orange probe floating towards him. Stark had designed a "post-incident communications package " to find him when he woke up. Though he was certain it had been designed to flake out on him at the worst possible times, thanks to Starks wonderful sense of humour, it had no qualms about bothering him now. A coat rack appeared out of either side of the probe, one holding a shirt, the other , pants. He waved the probe off, and it seemed pleased to leave him alone for five minutes until a projection of Stark appeared on front of it.  
" 'sup buddy- Woah, what happened here? Bruce, you dog! " Bruce simply grinned. "I... I honestly have no idea. " He simply said. "I just woke up, and... "

"Well, props, man. And it seems you earned your red wings I the process, too. I respect that, a real man goes down any day of the month. " A look of confusion crept over Banners' face until he remembered the blood on his face. "Oh- uh, no, um... I uh, snacked on some goats apparently. But I, uh, am very interested to know what happened here. " the girl on his left trailed a finger down his chest, and lower than Tonys camera was programmed to EVER show. (again.) "You happened here, Bruce. And there. And there, and over there... " Tony was convinced she was just pointing randomly around the field. "Either way, buddy, you need to find a way to NYC. I can hook you up in a ride from Bangladesh. Should have you here in two hours tops. "

At this, the physicists eyes nearly popped out his skull. "Bangladesh? Where am I... What time is it - my watch says it's late morning but the sun is... How did I get here, I was in Hawaii!"

"Yes, you don't want to know, it's 6pm there and I have no idea. Just follow the probe. "  
Bruce nodded. "Well, I'm in no hurry to get anywhere, as you can see. What's the hurry?"

"Yeah, I don't blame you. It's just that me and Thor are building a bar smack - dab in the middle of central park. Come on by when you feel like prying yourself away. "

As the girl started kissing down Banners chest, making her way very low down, he laid back and said "five more hours," flipping the comm channel closed.

Natasha Romanov walked through the club. While trance music, strobe lights, lasers, and a marijuana-fed smoke machine weren't her usual scene, she had to admit these effects, combined with all the blood and bodies scattered around the place worked really well.

As she swept her leg across another club goer's face, sending him crashing into the bar, his friends all scattered, save for one. Natasha raised an eyebrow threateningly. "You want me to pull out your nipple rings? "  
The shirtless trancer thought about it, looking her up and down, noticing the very tight catsuit and the effect it had on her very perfect body. She may have been trying to threaten him, but in reality it was a dream come true. "Oh, gross..." she trailed off as she jabbed his nose, putting him down as quick as possible. As he sank to the floor, he somehow managed a weak "call me " before a thud confirmed that he was down.

Natasha noticed a laser crawl up her chest, and quickly ducked behind a nearby table. "Oh, right. Trance club " she reminded herself for the eighth time. It was weird though, every time that happened, she swore the red laser dot was different to the others swirling through the smoke. But there was nobody conscious and/or alive left in the bar. Time to finish the job. She gingerly made her way over several piles of bodies, each arranged in rather dirty positions (it's important to enjoy one's work, after all) toward the VIP section.

As she made it through the curtain, she saw someone she most certainly was not expecting. "Barton? " she asked, wide - eyed. Hawkeye laughed as she took one of the myriad of shot glasses and put it away in one gulp. "Bit early to be drinking, don't you think? " The black widow shot him a glance deadlier than any bullet. "How the hell did you beat me here? Where's Trent?" Hawkeye grinned, waving an arm across the shot - covered table. "Bathroom with a groupie. We're old drinking buds. " Natasha sighed, throwing her wallet to Barton. She should have known he'd been too eager to take the bet.

"Hang on, she said, noticing the sniper rifle in the corner. Have you been pointing that thing at me this whole time? "  
"I couldn't resist. You dive EVERY time! "  
She snarled, putting away another _armenian pimp-slapper_ with a flinch. "I swear this is the last time I'm racing you to a target. _And_ the last time I do Stark a favour! " at that, her phone started ringing. Stark. She hung up.

Three seconds later, Barton's phone rang. "Barton. Yes. Ok... Yeah." he handed the phone to Romanov, who promptly hung up. "That was my wife. " She looked at him, wide - eyed, until the phone rang again. Stark. "You liar, " she said, finally answering the phone. "Black Widow, the ass that won't quit until your throat gets slit" she answered, deadpan. "JARVIS, could you get to work on that nosebleed, please"  
"What? "  
"Oh, nothing. Just handling a subsystem malfunction. "  
"In your nose. "  
Stark flinched. "Yeah, the nose on my faceplate. I'm in flight. "  
Natasha grinned. "The mere mention of my ass gives you a nosebleed! "  
"... I'm at high altitude. "  
"Whatever. We found Reznor. Barton can handle the negotiations."  
"Oh yeah, thanks, I meant to call you about that - the party is gonna be ON, my birthday, not the Saturday. You think that'll be a problem? "  
Natasha rolled her eyes. "This is the last time I do you a favour, Tony. "  
"Until you need another city block leveled. "  
"I'll get Banner to do it. The zipper on this catsuit is a pretty powerful weapon... One flash, and it's all over... "

It was rare for Tony Stark to be bereft of any intelligent, witty, facetious, cheeky, snark, condescending or otherwise annoying responses. In this instance, all he could manage was, "that lucky bastard "

"Anyway, that's not why I called you. How far are you from central park? " Natasha placed the phone to her other ear, allowing Hawkeye to listen in as he leaned close. "Central Park? Less than a mile, " she looked at Barton, who nodded the affirmative. "Yeah. About a click. Why? "  
"Walk over there, our local deity could use a pair of hands. "

Hawkeye grabbed the phone. "No offence, Stark, but whatever Thor's gotten himself into, we can't lift a tenth as much as he can. Are you also on your way? "  
"Everyone is. But you're not needed to help lift, we need someone to bring beer. " Natasha raised an eye at her partner, glancing over at the intimidatingly well stocked, completely undefended bar. "  
Barton grinned. "Oh, jeez, Tony. You're asking a lot - it's 10 am... Gonna be hard to find a place selling... "  
Tony audibly sighed. "You two _accidentally_ got the Pope alcohol poisoning at a nuclear silo. I trust in your resourcefulness. "  
"You have a point, Tony, but it's not gonna be easy. " he passed Natasha a green, glowing bottle as he took a swig of his own. Natasha was grinning ear to ear. "All I'm saying is you're gonna owe us one. "


	2. Chapter 2

Tony's return brought yet more exasperation to the LAPD. The chief was asking questions about where he'd gotten that many trees, and the officer watching the news on his tablet had decided it was best he never find out.

Veronica, Stark's anti - hulk combat suit, was carrying about four dozen trees, the extra arms stitched onto the suit like some sort of bionic spider. Embers crept along one tree where it had gotten too close to the repulsor thrusters. He'd undoubtedly left a second park in ruin.

As he landed, Thor approached him. "What news of the others?"  
"On their way. Banner might be a while. "  
As he said that, The hulk arrived, timidly clinging to a flying robot similar to veronicas support system.

"um... " Stark managed.  
"Probably not the wisest way to transport him, Stark. "  
"JARVIS, could you tranq him? "  
"I have, sir. You'll notice a vibranium needle in his leg. " Tony rolled his eyes. "Then put it in his neck! "  
"I will, sir, just as soon as more ammunition arrives. "  
"More? There was five litres of whale tranquiliser in there! "  
A small, rocket propelled object flew into the flying hulk-mobile. Neither Thor nor Tony could see what was happening, except that the hulk was panicking. Before they could react, the big guy relaxed, falling to the earth directly above the lodge.

Thor and Tony looked at each other, then up, then at each other. Thor was the first to fly up, with Mjolnir leading his flight. Hitting the hulk at full speed, he was able to slow his descent, but only barely. Iron Man was next to arrive, his arms rearranging around his torso to be evenly spaced, each grabbing the falling green giant, thrusters pushing from his elbows.

They managed to slow down and eventually set the slumbering hulk on his back, next to the lodge. Then something completely unexpected happened. He farted. The sheer force of it flipped the hulk over the lodge wall, with him landing with a thud. Tony looked at Thor,who was already unconscious from the odour. Tony panicked, flying to the chief of police, who was. By now, sitting on a rock, cradling his head in his hands.

"Chief, you need to get the CDC here ASAP!"  
The chief wasn't even surprised. Tony had sworn his hair wasn't so grey _earlier_ in the morning. "Why, Stark? What could you have possibly done that could warrant getting the CDC involved? "  
The iron giant scratched the back of his head casually. Given the armour, the gesture, if anything, made it worse. "We may be dealing with an undocumented gaseous anomoly... That came out of the Hulk..."

The chiefs eyes slowly widened as realisation struck. "Men! Block off the park! Peralta, get the CDC here, now! Boyle,find out who we call for radiation leaks! " The captain continued barking orders as Stark approached the unconscious Thor. "He appears to be in shock, sir. He's not in any danger. Geiger readings are nominal. The only abnormalities in the area are incredibly high sulfur content in the air, as well as a high ratio of gastric bacteria... " JARVIS droned. Tony stopped paying attention when he saw the Falcon and Rogers running toward him from the other side of the park. As they got close enough that they started slowing down, the smell hit them. Steve tumbled over several times, landing next to Thor, while Sam shut his eyes, holding in the urge to barf, his flight - strong stomach keeping him awake as he went head - first into a tree, wrapping himself around it like a cartoon.

"Time to light a match, " Tony thought, aiming his repulsor at the air, a Burst of flame trailing behind it. "Well, that's disappointing, " Tony sighed. "I was hoping for more of an explosion "

"With yourself in the center, sir? " Stark grinned, despite himself. "Are you getting clever with me, Jarvis? "  
"wouldn't dream of it, sir. I leave that to my counterpart. Speaking of whom, sir? "  
Tony turned as Vision landed in front of him. Wordlessly, he regarded Tony, and the four fallen avengers scattered around. He seemed to pay special attention to the fact that Tony's suit was significantly larger than usual. A Fact that Tony himself had forgotten.

"Um, hi." Tony said. They hadn't spoken much since the events that led to Visions ' birth. The cyborg looked at him curiously. "Strange. All signs suggested a battle - the police force, your deployment of Veronica, half of the team not only assembled, but unconscious. Yet there doesn't seem to be any threat."

Tony pointed at the crack barely visible from the hulks pants. "Threats' been dealt with. Appreciate the concern, though. Almost couldn't handle it. "  
The android rolled his eyes. "I fear the day someone actually targets you through your shenanigans rather than try to face your raw power. Dare I ask about the suit enhancements? "  
Tony hit a button, and the upgrade modules started detaching themselves and flying away like bees around a plant. "completely forgot about that. Needed the lifting power. Glad you joined us, though. This _is_ an avengers initiative. "

"Well that's strange, I thought it was a poorly executed attempt to build a shanty hut. "  
Tony sighed. "I'll admit it's not going precisely according to plan... " Tony mused as Vision placed his hands on the crash site that was Captain America, waking him up. Soon the entire group had regained consciousness.

"As I said, Stark. Perhaps not the wisest choice of steed for Banner. " Thor pointed as he got up, still cross eyed and somewhat disoriented.  
Tony shrugged as widely as he could. "How is this my fault? I. Thought he'd take the plane! "  
"There was a plane?! " Bruce asked, pulling on the hideous shirt being dispensed by the drone. "also, Hawaiian? Really? "  
Vision looked away for a moment, apparently thinking about something.  
"yes. It arrived five minutes ago. "  
The conscious avengers collectively rolled their eyes.  
Steve was the next to come to. "I already regret my decision to come here. Is this our lodge?" he noticed that Thor had chosen to build his own house just like the first president had. "aww, Thor's a real American now! " Tony sighed. "literally every civilisation ever built their own houses at some point. "  
Sam covered for the captain, limping up and clearing his throat. "So are we going to build this thing or what? " Banner was the one to respond, shaking his head, loose-fitting Hawaiian shirt fluttering with every motion.  
"I'd say we're missing one or two people." Tony grinned at this. "Oh, they'll be around soon enough," he chirped, enigmatically.

Of course, the team knew what Tony looked like when he was scheming by now. And nobody trusted the grin on his face. "I'm detecting a rising level of fear-related chemicals. Is there a threat I should be aware of? " Vision queried. "We're all screwed, " Wilson moaned. Suddenly, all eyes shifted to the captain, ready to dive into him the second he mentioned language, but he noticed the sudden shift in atmosphere. Instead, he tried to draw attention back to Tony. "Are we all forgetting Tony is up to something? Don't you remember the last time he had an idea? "

"twenty-three milliseconds ago? " Tony offered. "I think he means transporting me here by death - trap, " Bruce countered. "So unleashing the odours of Helheim, " Thor complained. "Perhaps he's referring to the chain of events that led to my birth? Am I to have a brother? " Vision chimed in.  
"Guys! " Steve Interjected before his team kept derailing his point. "jeez, I've made it to 70 without grey hairs, don't stop me getting to 80! Visions' half-right. "  
"I'm getting a brother? " the android's face lit up. This crushed the captain, as he knew he was about to disappoint the android who, with his British accent, had managed to sound like the orphan in some movie he'd recently caught up on. Oliver something. All he remembered was it was sad and adorable.  
"Um, no, the other part. The whole Ultron fiasco. You know, near-armageddon, we lost one avenger, wrecked Stark tower? "  
Thor lit up as Vision delflated in disappointment. "Aye, that was a good battle. Are we to have another? " He was already swinging his hammer.  
Rogers allowed his face to sink into his hand.  
"Let's just build the Darn lodge " he finally said.

The construction went relatively well over the next hour - despite the center for disease control quarantining most of the park, two small fires, and the fact that as talented as the avengers were at destruction, the only one of them with even a shred of experience in _building_ anything was Stark. Soon, the makeshift structure started to look a little bit less makeshift and a lot more like a cosy lodge. As Thor smashed a hole into the wall to make space for a window (nobody saw any problem with doing it this way) Tony noticed something that made him frown.

"Guys, we forgot the floor. "  
The others immediately groaned, and several facepalms ensued. With the exception of Thor. "What is the matter? The floor goes in last, of course! " Rogers was the one to correct him. "Thor, we can't just throw a bunch of logs together without a plan and hope it turns into a proper building. "  
Vision was the one to chime in to that. "Is that not _precisely_ what we've been doing? "  
"Not at all! As old as I am, I've been to one or two construction sites... Asgardian construction is different to how you do it here in midgard. We build the frame, throw in some extra wood for the magic users, and we're done. "  
The captain and Stark exchanged a glance. "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"  
Tony's response was a silent challenge of rock, paper, scissors, which he lost. "Um, Thor, you know magic is an Asgardian thing, right? "  
"What of the little witch?"  
"Scarlet? She's psychic, not magic. "  
Thor seemed disappointed for less than half a second, but, as usual, nothing would show him down. "Then we shall go to one of the other realms and find one! "

It was at this point that a massive ruckus came from the far side of the CDC tents. Banner looked over curiously. "Oh. Um, guys, I think, I think we may be, uh, under attack? "

Sure enough, people were scattering from the source of the noise. Suddenly the tents were shunted to either side of a pair of jeeps with what appeared to be an entire bar chained to them, dragging behind them. Hawkeye stood out of the sunroof of his vehicle as Natasha opened the door of hers. "And you guys don't trust my ideas, " Tony said, holding his arms up at his sides.  
"Thought you guys could use a beer! " Barton called.  
" _A_ beer?" Bruce challenged, incredulously.  
"beer, tequila, Somalian Sidewinder, same difference, " Natasha shrugged.  
Thor grinned. " _Now_ we've the makings of a party! "  
Thor lifted the bar into the lodge through the hole intended to be a skylight. "We now have but one problem, " he called. "How are we to get to Asgard for a magician? "

Vision walked forward. "I may have a solution to that. Mr Stark, would you mind making a call?"


End file.
